Mysterious Mouth Things

Dear Grace,

Today you went to the dentist. I hated that you had to go. I tried really hard not to show you how completely un-cool with dentists I am. I don't think you fell for it.

You have a mysterious place in your mouth that looks like a canker sore. You have had it for months and your doctor initially thought it was just a blister that you kept biting as you gnaw on everything. This week, she thought we should go ahead and get it checked out. So, we found a pediatric dentist and off we went.

Your dad and I took you into the lobby. They had games! They had toys! They had an awesome tree maze on the wall where you slid the little bugs around the tree trunk with your little hands.

Then they called us back.

You sat in my lap on a big cushion seat and laid your head back into the dentist's lap. She was very gentle and reassuring to you, but you screamed like she was pulling out all your teeth anyway.

She got out her dental book and showed us pictures. She sent you to the oral surgeon to make sure she was right. She didn't charge us for our visit and gave you a sticker.

I wanted to ask her if she saw 31-year-olds, but your dad thought that might not be a good idea.

The oral surgeon visit went better. Your dad took you back and held you. Apparently, you turn on the screaming drama for my benefit. Who knew?

The oral surgeon confirmed that you have a clogged salivatory gland. He and the army of your dad will be removing this gland in two weeks. It's supposed to be NOT A BIG DEAL.

They won't numb you or anything. Just snip and it's over.

Your dad doesn't want me to go. He says he can't handle us both.

I hate this is happening to you, but it could be so much worse. So, at least we are grateful for that.

Love forever,
Mama

Day Care

Dear Grace,

Today you started daycare.

This decision came after many months of struggle for me that I have tried my best to make you unaware of.

The bottom line is this - your grandma wanted to keep you during the day the first year of your life. We thought it would be a good thing. You have had lots of bonding time and we didn't have to worry too much about expenses. She would have kept you longer - she kept extending the time that she wanted to keep you. But, your dad & I think you are ready for something more.

Now you are over a year old and you are coming to a stage in your life where you are ready to learn school-type things. You have a desire to watch kids your age. It's time.

The daycare is a nice one. The nicest one in our area. I visited the building and met your teacher. I'm using "nice" a lot, but they were very nice too.

Your cousin Meltdown goes there and she adores you. That's a big plus - you know one of the bigger kids who will always be on your side. Unless you pull her dog's tail. She *is* 4, you know.

This morning, I packed you in the car just like I always do. We sang in the car as we were drivinglike we always do.

We got out at a strange place. That's when the confusion began. You snapped to attention - knowing immediately something was going on. We went inside and I handed you over to the nice lady.

You went hysterical.

I could barely talk to the nice lady over your screaming. I wanted to be sure that she had all the instructions to cater to your every need.

She smiled reassuringly at me. She's done this before. A lot.

I kissed you and told you I loved you. Then I left the room.

I had to fill out more paperwork, so I was there for a while. I could hear you all the way down the hall.

When I left the building, I thought that they were going to have to push me out the door.  I may have smiled at you and tried to comfort you, but I want you to know when you are old enough to read this that it was HARD.  I did not want to leave you in the hands of someone I don't *really* know.  Each of your cries broke my heart a little more.  *I* cried too.  All the way home.

I was so upset that I did what I always do when I am broken hearted. I called *my* Daddy and whined over the phone. He assured me that you would be fine - even have fun.

I checked on you during my lunch time. You don't know this. I snuck in the door and peered at you in the high chair during your lunch. You were letting the nice lady feed you. You didn't see me and I worked really hard not to barge through the door and snatch you up.

You will adjust to daycare. Experts have told me this. And, when you do, you will like it. Who knows? You might even learn to take a nap.  When the nice lady told me you would be taking a two hour nap at the same time every day when we met, I laughed at her silently and thought "Good Luck".

When I picked you up, you were playing. You started flipping out the moment you saw me. You pushed away all the other kids and teachers to get to me. I snatched you up and you held on for dear life. Both of us did.

I love you so much, my sweet little angel.

Love forever,
Mama

3 Days of Doctor

Dear Grace,

A few weeks ago, you had an ear infection. At your follow-up appointment at the end of December, much to our relief everything looked fine. However, you never stopped coughing or having a runny nose. This past weekend, you began running a fever. Your dad had to hold me back from running you straight to the emergency room. So, Monday we took you to the doctor as soon as we could get you worked in.

We thought it was just another cold or something, but the doctor told us you was showing signs of pneumonia (insert my terrified thoughts of panic here). On top of this, you had lost a few ounces since your last visit (which of course, is a big deal to a baby). So, the doctor gave you an antibiotic shot (which you hated) and ordered you to come back the next day.

Four hours later, when the shot had completely worked in your system, your fever broke. On Tuesday morning, you woke up with clear nostrils for the first time in weeks. I took you back for your follow-up. Fever was still gone and according to the doctor your nose & throat looked good. But, your ears looked "Yucky". I'm sure that the doctor said "Yucky" to lessen my anxiety as your mother. But, I saw the face that she made when she saw your ears. She ordered the antibiotic shot again with another follow up visit for the next day.

This time, you saw the needle coming and began squirming as soon as it came into your line of vision. It took every ounce of strength inside of me (plus knowing that it was ultimately for your good) to let them give you that shot without tackling them to the ground and saving you from that horrific look of panic on your face. This time, you didn't stop screaming as soon as I picked you up. You screamed until you were dressed, walking out the door and had the miraculous Puffs in your mouth.

You had such a good day for the rest of the day. You felt better (with the exception of the accident that caused the humongous bruise that is now on your forehead - which is a different story). You laughed and played and were back to your normal little self.

Yesterday, Daddy took you to the follow up because you were feeling well enough that I went on to work. Your ears looked better this time, but there was still enough infection that they gave you the shot again. This time, you screamed as soon as you saw the needle. Daddy was surprised that you realized what was going on enough to be afraid. Silly Daddy. He didn't realize just how much you have learned about cause & effect lately!

The good news that you don't have to go back until your one-year check up. I cannot believe that time is so close now. I have no idea what happened to this year. Your birthday right around the corner.

I hope you feel better completely soon sweetheart.

Love Forever,
Mama

A Tough Two Weeks

Dear Grace,

It has been a miserable two weeks for you and I. You have had an ear infection in both ears. This is the first time that you have truly been sick in your young life. I have wished every moment that I could take away everything that hurts you and bothers you. You are restless and you cannot get comfortable. You do not want your milk or your toys. You especially do not want to lie down and rest.

The doctor prescribed Amoxicillin and breathing treatments. You like the medicine (we have convinced you that it tastes wonderful), but you hate the breathing treatments. You squirm and start SCREAMING when we bring the mask near your face. I really cannot say that I blame you, but it is pitiful to watch. Your Dad is usually the brave one that does the treatments, because I cannot bear to cause you such agony - even though it is only to make you feel better in the end.

You are at a fun stage right now in your mobility development. You can sit up now, which has opened a whole new world for you. Before, when you ended up on your belly, you would lay there and cry - thrashing your arms for added dramatic effect. Now, you can simply sit up. Each time you sit up, you look around to make sure someone is watching you. You love applause, and you get a lot of it!

The down-side to your movement is that I can no longer trust you to your handy gym. Before, you could lay there for a long amount of time, kicking and swatting at the various toys dangling before you. Now, you roll. Somehow you never end up where I put you down!

You no longer allow us to change your diaper. As soon as the old diaper comes off, you start rolling. This has caused quite a few disasters. Your favorite thing to do while having your diaper changed is to reach into the supply basket above your head. You seem to do this at the most inconvenient, messiest times. Your dad and I have to tell you "No". You stop what you are doing, look at us and then resume rolling up to get into the basket. We have not figured out a good solution for this one yet.

You love the Christmas tree. We have lots of ornaments that *do* stuff and you are amazed. Your favorite seems to be one that plays "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas". (BTW - If you really do want one, just tell Nana and Papa. I'm sure that they would go buy one for you.) You like shiny, sparkly things (just like me!).

The worst part about your being sick, is that I have been sick too. Really, really sick. It is so hard to care for you when I can barely stand up myself. You don't understand why Mommy takes so long to get your bottle. My coughing scares you sometimes and that breaks my heart! Your Dad tries to step up sometimes with your regular care, but somehow you end up with me again. Thank goodness I am getting better too.

We are working on our Christmas shopping. I love to take you shopping. You love to look at all the stuff. You are the star everywhere that we go. People stop us all the time and try to touch you. (Don't worry - I keep lots of hand sanitizer around for us.)

You Christmas pictures came back and our Christmas cards are printed and in the mail. Of course, you are the cutest, most beautiful baby EVER.

Love forever,
Mama

8 Months

Dear Grace,

Today you turned 8 MONTHS OLD. Somehow, when I was not looking, my precious little peanut turned into a beautiful 16 pound, 6 ounce, 26 inch long baby girl!

Today you are running a fever. It is the first time you have been sick. Your little cheeks are bright pink and your entire head is hot to the touch. We took you to the doctor's office for them to tell us that you have a viral infection. Every three hours we have to give you medicine.

I am amazed at how much you have grown in the last eight months. You can now sit up on your own. You have developed your own language of "ah", "ews", "ga", etc. I am really working hard on "Ma-ma" with you. One of these days, you will say it. And I will pass out.

Most nights you sleep through the night. But, you wiggle constantly. I come in your room in the morning to find your head in the top left corner of the bed. That is not where I left you!

Most mornings you have found your way out of the cover and your foot is in your mouth. Lately, your feet amuse you to no end. One day you discovered you could reach your toes with your hands. To you, this was the most wonderful thing EVER. Your hands would pull and pull on your toes and your heels. Then, shortly there after, you found your foot could reach your mouth. And OH THE MIRACLE. I put your socks and shoes on, and one by one, you remove them so that you can get your toes in your mouth.

We expect teeth from you at any moment. Some days your gums bother you and you give me this look, like "What is going on here and why aren't you stopping it?" Then you go right back to being the world's cutest baby.

I love to see strangers stare at you. The sight of you can put a smile on even the most serious of faces. Most people stop me, wherever we are, to tell me how beautiful you are. Occasionally one will say "he". It does not matter how much pink/purple you wear, some people see your little peach fuzz and assume BOY. I'm sorry. This is my fault. I did not have hear until I was, like, 3. I have a feeling that you will have a similar experience.

You love to watch the dogs. You grab everything in sight that you can reach, and Molly's hair is included. Unlike when I pull her hair during her combing, she LETS you. Guess what one of your first chores will be?

Every day with you is an incredible experience. You are learning so quickly, and I am constantly in awe of the wonder of which you see the world.

I love you very, very much.

Love forever,

Mama

17 Weeks, 3 Days

Dear Grace,

Your Dad & I cannot believe that you are already four months old. In that amount of time you have nearly tripled your birth weight. You are solidly in 3 month clothes. You are quickly gaining on your full-term counterparts!

You learned to make noises. You "Coo" and "Google" when you are happy. We know you are our child - you can already say the website names!

The mornings are my favorite time with you. You are a little tired - you have not completely woken up yet. You cuddle in my arms and look up at me with a great big beautiful grin on your face. That grin makes me melt.

You have learned to hold your head up, and you insist upon being held that way. If I lay you down in the crook of my arm, you will stick out your lower lip. You have already perfected your pout!

From the hours of 6-10PM, you have colic. You will cry and cry, and there is nothing that your Dad & I can do to appease you. We try though! We would do anything to make you feel better.

Today you went for your four-month checkup. We saw the nurse practitioner. She commented what a beautiful baby you are. Your Dad & I know this well, so we just grin and nod. She looked you over. You performed perfectly. You made noises when she asked about noises. You pushed with your feet when she tested your leg strength. You opened your mouth when she needed to look inside.

You are now in the 10th percentile. At our last appointment, you were beneath the chart. We are so proud of all your development.

Throughout the appointment, you kicked your feet and danced with your arms. When it came time for the last thing - shots - you were so happy. When the nurse stuck you the first time, you looked stunned. You could not believe that something happened like that to hurt you. When the nurse stuck you the second time, you screamed. Your scream ripped my heart in two. I scooped you up in my arms and held you tightly. We cried together.

Tonight, with the approval of your doctor, we tried feeding you solid food for the first time. Rice cereal! I did the honors while your Dad filmed us. You pushed the mush around with your tongue. You spit some of it out, but you swallowed most of it. This is only the beginning. When I told our family that you had your first solids, the first question I got back was "Does that mean I can give her candy now?" Sure. If the candy looks and tastes exactly like rice cereal.

You continue to grow strong and healthy, sweet girl. I love you very, very much.

Love forever,

Mama

5 Days

Dear Grace,

Today is the fifth day you have been a part of the outside world. You continue to grow and reach milestones daily. I am blessed to be a part of your journey.

Today your Dad got to hold you for the first time. I have never seen him so terrified. The entire time he held you, he was worried. He was concerned for your body temperature and kept watching the temperature on the monitor in your room. I told him that if you were too cold, the nurse would not have allowed him to hold you. He kept trying to cover you up better. Finally, he got so nervous that I had to go get the nurse to put you back in your incubator.

He asked the nurse about your temperature. "It's fine," she said. "The temperature monitor is not even hooked up."

I guess that we are typical nervous first time parents. It is difficult not to think about how fragile you are since you are so small and you have so many cords attached to monitor you.

I wait for the day when we can hold you without the help of the nurse. I want to be able to sit and rock you in the chair in your room. Right now, I sit beside you all day. You may not even realize that I am there, but I want to believe that you do. I gaze at you and memorize each of your features. I talk to you and sing to you. I cannot wait for the day when we can bring you home.

Love forever,

Mama

2 Days

Dear Grace,

Today the least anxious person to get out of the hospital was discharged.

Me.

Leaving the hospital without you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was miserable. I stared out into space as the volunteer helped me in the car and we drove away. Then I cried.

The road home looked unfamiliar to me. I was not sure if places had actually changed or just me. It turns out it was me. I was miserable. You are my life now. When you are not with me, everything seems wrong.

I am in physical pain from the surgery now. It will take me a long time to heal because of all the swelling. I am not sure that I recorded it here, but during my last month of pregnancy I gained over 20 pounds. That is more than I had gained in all the months prior put together. I have already lost a lot of the water weight.

My physical appearance is ghostlike, even though I look much better than before you were born. I look like a train hit me directly in the stomach. My arms are a covered with a mixture of deep blue, purple and black bruises. The stretch marks that I tried so hard to avoid by pursing a healthy pregnancy cover my stomach. However, I have made progress. My fingers are now defined again instead of big balloon hands.

Your Dad managed to get me in the house, where I sat around until he was finished with work. Then, we drove back to the hospital to see you.

It may sound strange, but the hospital felt more like home than my home did. Your Dad agrees. He said that his first night spent at home without us just felt wrong. We have learned through this that home is not where you live - it is where your family is.

Our home will not be home until you are home.

Love Forever,

Mama

1 Day

Dear Grace,

I awoke this morning in a state of disbelief. You are here!

I wanted desperately to come see you. I am so groggy. I cannot shake off the medication that I am on enough to get out of bed.

Hours pass and I am still in a semi-vegetative state. "I want to wake up!" I tell your Dad, your Grandparents and everyone that enters the room. Still, I am so out of it.

Your doctor, Dr. L, came to visit me and update me on you. You are in the "incubator". You are breathing on your own since right after your birth, so you do not require oxygen. You are a little yellow, so they have put you under the light. I cannot wait to see you.

My nurse today is Vicky. She is just the kind of nurse that I need today. She gives me explicit instructions and I try my best to follow directions. Somehow, we got me out of bed and into the shower. Being clean feels so good.

Your Dad walked me very slowly and painfully to the NICU. I had forgotten how beautiful you are. You are so tiny. All the wires and monitors on you are painfully intimidating. I can see how strong you are, though.

You have peach fuzz all over your head. I cannot believe how much hair you have! Since your Dad & I were both bald babies, I am so surprised by that. Your fingers and toes are long. Actually, your whole body is long compared to your gestational age. If you had been full term, you would have been a large baby.

A small part of me is very sad that we had to take you early. It would have been so much easier for you if we could have waited. Now you will spend the first part of your life in the hospital. But, I would not trade these moments with you for anything.

The nurse put you in my arms. No one else is allowed to hold you yet. You are so tiny and fragile, but you are so strong.

I love you very much, my little angel. I love you more with each moment.

Love Forever,

Mama

31 Weeks, 5 Days

Dear Baby Girl,

This morning I ate a piece of toast for breakfast. And so begins the most frighteningly wonderful day of my life.

My blood pressure was still high today and my symptoms were still getting progressively worse. The night nurse got permission to replace my IV last night, and it took five different people (herself, an L&D nurse, another nurse on the floor, a NICU nurse & an oncology nurse) several tries each to run the IV. My veins have become extremely small with all the swelling. That is how we spent the entire night. We knew all of this meant that something would have to change. My condition has become dangerous to both of us.

Dr. B is the doctor on call today. He is a sweet older man with a cheery disposition that reminds me of Santa Claus. He came by first thing this morning. They do not advise doing the magnesium drip again until time for you to be born. So guess what? That will be today!!!

That little piece of toast came back to haunt me. We had to wait for it to digest before we could begin the emergency c-section.

Your Dad began making phone calls. Your Papa (my dad) has been staying with us the last couple of days to help with the dogs and sit with me during the day so your Dad can rest. He was the first to know you were coming. He called your Nana (my mom), and your Dad also called your Grandma (his mom). That began our family's mass exodus from their homes and workplaces to come to the hospital to be present for your birth.

I was moved back to L&D. Sometime during the morning I began to shake severely. My legs were jumping all over the bed and I could do nothing to stop it. I guess knowing you were coming and not having any idea how all of this would work out fried what was left of my nerves.

The nurse started the magnesium drip and the catheter again. This time, I was jumping around in the bed so much that I did not even notice the heat as much as I did before. The catheter seemed like second nature by now.

The NICU doctor came to talk to us. The hospital staff calls him the "Mr. Rogers" of the hospital. He is a really nice guy, and I know that he will be a good doctor to you. He explained what would happen from the point of your delivery to your transition into the NICU. You will spend your first few weeks there, until you get strong enough to come home.

The nurse made the rest of the appropriate calls to set everything up, and we were told that the surgery would be at 1:00PM. Just as we sent your aunt to the waiting room to give the time update, the attendant came to get me prepped for surgery! You would be here even sooner!

My heart pounded out of my chest as the attendant wheeled my bed to the OR. I could not see your Dad, but I found tremendous comfort in feeling his presence following my bed. On arrival, they sent us to a prep room with wall curtains. They began checking me, and they spirited your Dad away to hook him up with the appropriate OR attire. Unfortunately, they decided my IV needle was not big enough. They would have to readdress that in the ER.

The prep seemed to take forever. Dr. B met us there and we got to know the anesthesiologist. Another familiar voice popped around the curtain also - a family friend was working in the OR and stopped in to say Hi. Soon afterward, it was time. Your Dad had to wait outside the OR for a few minutes until they were ready for the surgery to begin.

The OR was not what I expected. (This was my first surgery.) The room was very white and there were lots of big machines. It could almost pass for an old James Bond set, just with more high-tech computer equipment. They moved me to a plank in the center of the room that had folding "boards" to hold my arms in the shape of a cross. Then, the anesthesiologist and another nurse/doctor/somebody took turns in each arm trying to insert the IV. Attempt after attempt failed, and then...

I am going to sidetrack from the story for a second here. When I was little, I got a huge gash on my wrist. I will not go into the details here, but it involves the underside of a car and my accident prone self. Anyway, I have a scar on my wrist. The area around this scar is deemed UNTOUCHABLE. I will not touch it. Your Dad cannot touch it.

So guess where the needle went and took? You guessed it. Right in the middle of my scar in the UNTOUCHABLE zone. And, honestly I did not even blink.

Next, it was time for the spinal. This was another scary thought for me. Dr. B held me up and hugged me. He whispered the play-by-play in my ear of what was happening and what would happen. He distracted me by swapping scar stories (I told him about the wrist) and making funny comments. I could not have asked for a better doctor to do this.

Spinal in place and verified, the surgery began. Your Dad entered the room after they pulled up a curtain to block my view. That curtain kept hitting me in the nose and mouth. The rest of the experience seemed almost out-of-body. It felt like my insides were Jello jiggling all over the place. There was lots of random chatting going on. Lots of beeping from monitors. And then, a sweetly beautiful cry.

You.

The noise of the room faded and tears rose to my eyes. All I could hear was you.

The sound you were making sounded like a short series of "meh". It sounded like a breathtakingly beautiful symphony to me.

At some point, the chatter and beeping resumed in my ears. They called your Dad over with the video camera to capture your experience.

Then, they brought you to me.

I kissed you, and your eyes opened. You are so beautiful.

Then, they wheeled you away up to the NICU. They assured me that you were breathing normally. Your Dad and the video camera got to follow you. Your grandparents coincidentally saw you in the hall on your way to the NICU. The nurses put you on a C-PAT for just a little while. Then, because you were doing so well, they took it off. You are tiny, but you are perfect for your gestational age.

Meanwhile, the OR team finished up with me after an infinity. I went to the recovery area, where I was taken care of by a nurse named Max. (I remember this because of our dog Max.)

Sometime during the OR finish up and the recovery time, I began shaking again. This time, only my arms could shake because my legs were numb.

I waited, waited, waited. Finally, Max said I could go back to postpartum.

The nurse, or maybe it was the doctor, told me that I could not see you again today. My blood pressure was still really high, and I needed to be able to be at least in a wheelchair before I could go to the NICU. I took comfort in knowing that your Dad was with you, and he could take care of you. You had been in my belly for so many months and I had already bonded with you. Now it was his turn, or at least that is how I made peace with the fact that I would have to wait to see you again.

Various relatives began to come in my room to say hello or sit with me. I remember all of this, but I still felt like I was in a trance. I could not sleep, but I was very tired.

Tomorrow, my beautiful Grace, I will get to see you again.

Love forever,

Your Mom

31 Weeks, 4 Days, PM

Dear Baby Girl,

I am back in the postpartum wing now. I am much more comfortable now. The magnesium drip from last night helped, but my blood pressure is beginning to go back up a little tonight. My swelling has increased. Your Dad says my hands look like those of a 500-pound woman. The swelling is irritating the IV. The nurse will check with the doctor, and they may do something about that later tonight.

I now know that I will not be going home until you are born. We are back to the waiting game again! All the tests have shown such good results for you. My condition has not affected you, but I am not sure how long that will last. My body is failing me. I am sure it sounds very weak of me, but I cannot bear to know that my body is failing you, too. We will know more in the morning.

Love Forever,

Your Mom

31 Weeks, 4 Days, AM

Dear Baby Girl,

I want to give you an honest account of the events leading to your birth, so I will be truthful with you. Last night was the most miserable night of my life. It began with me being angry about staying at the hospital. Don't get me wrong here - I will do anything for you. All I mean is that the nurses were not doing anything that we could not do at home. But, the doctor said I had to stay on.

We have had a lot of visitors, and the doctor suggested that we have no more. I think that seeing people we love probably helped, but I know it was a lot of activity. Now only your Dad and your grandparents are allowed to see me.

My blood pressure would not go down. My arms are so swollen that every time the blood pressure cuff begins to move I grimace. I am sure that does not help the numbers. By the time that Dr. F came to examine me that evening, the top number was over 200 and the bottom number was over 100. So, we had to do a magnesium drip all night. I was moved back to a room in Labor & Delivery.

The ordeal began with a check of my cervix. I am so swollen that I gasped out in pain during the check.

The next step was the IV. I hate needles, and I have a history of passing out. (I hope you will be a lot braver than I am!) When I have had an IV in the past, they would put it on the underside of my elbow. I can semi-tolerate it there. No luck this time. The nurse said it had to go down on my hand. I truly hate IVs.

The magnesium drip is horrible. It gives the sensation of being sitting in a fire out in the midday sun. Plus, it requires a catheter. I had never had a catheter before. I spent several hours with the need to go to the bathroom that I just could not relieve.

Because I was so hot, I threw the covers and sheets off over and over. We had to adjust the room temperature as low as it would go. My skin felt like ice to the touch, but I was so, so hot. This made for a miserable night for your Dad. He is pretty cold-natured, and being in the room with me all night was not fun for him.

On the bright side, the technician came to the room last night and did a "long" ultrasound. You scored a 10/10. Your weight is estimated at 3 pounds, 12 ounces. They put the monitor on my belly to monitor your heart rate again, and it is the one soothing sound in my room.

This morning, we had another ultrasound, and you seemed to try to breathe. The technician had me hold my breath, and then we watched as your tiny lungs continued to work. This is a good sign - the steroid shot is working. You are an amazing little fighter. We will get through this.

It took a really long time for the volunteer to come and wheel me back upstairs after we saw you. So much of the hospital trip and even doctor's visits have been a waiting game. Your Dad was wonderful this morning. I know he was tired. He barely got any sleep with the cold room and the uncomfortable chair bed. He held my head up and I leaned against him throughout the long wait.

I have gone from feeling fine when I checked into the hospital to misery pretty quickly. We are trying to remain strong for you so that no matter what happens, you will be born healthy.

Love Forever,

Your Mom

31 Weeks, 3 Days

Dear Baby Girl,

Last night was pretty uneventful - at least for a night in the hospital. The doctor allowed me to be monitored every 3 hours instead of every 30 minutes, so I got a little rest. The nurses here have all been very nice. I have been drinking a lot of water, and I am continually asking them to get me some more. They joke with me about it. My blood pressure is still high, but it seems to have stabilized.

Your Dad came back to the hospital early this morning. I would not let him stay last night because I wanted him to rest (even though he told me today that he could not sleep with worry for you & I.), and nothing was happening. I am hoping that they will let me go home, and just be on bed rest until you make your grand entrance into the world.

We are still hoping that you will be able to wait as long as possible. I had the second steroid shot to jump start your lungs this morning.

We have had lots of visitors, phone calls and flowers. We are blessed with a supportive set of family and friends that I cannot wait for you to meet. But not yet, please!

Love forever,

Your Mom

31 Weeks, 2 Days

Dear Baby Girl,

Today began with an innocent doctor's appointment with an ultrasound. The ultrasound came first. We got to see your beautiful outline and watch your tiny heart beat. The technician offered for us to see you in 3-D and of course, your Dad and I could not resist. During the 3-D shots, you moved your foot in front of your face. I can already tell you are avoiding pictures. Just like your mama.

Next, it was time to see Dr. F. He is the doctor that helped us before you were able to be conceived. As we waited, we studied the print out of the ultrasounds that we just saw. We rejoiced in your good health. We laughed about your foot.

When Dr. F came into the room, we noted immediately how somber he was. He told us in a soft voice that we would need to leave now to go over to the hospital. He said we would be there a few hours so they could monitor me for a while. My blood pressure was very high (especially since it normally runs low) and I was displaying signs of a condition called pre-eclampsia. Urine tests found 3+protein, which is another sign. You were doing so well, and it turns out that I was not.

I began to panic. I had just started a new job, and it was a tough call to make to my manager that I would have to be out for an unknown amount of time. But, you were always the top priority. We would do anything that we could to keep you healthy.

When I think back now, I can see the signs that I thought were meaningless before, or just standard symptoms of pregnancy. I even wrote about a few of them here. According to Dr. F, if I do indeed have pre-eclampsia, we may have caught it early.

Ironically, I feel pretty good.

I walked into the ER with no idea of what to expect. I am not a fan of hospitals. I knew that you were coming, but I honestly had not thought about the delivery very much. I had concentrated so much on you in the present, that I did not really think about the process of you actually getting here.

The volunteer sat me in a wheelchair and wheeled me into Labor & Delivery. Dr. B, who I had met on the rotation, stopped by to talk to us. They began monitoring your heart rate, my blood pressure, reflexes, urine and temperature. The only "cure" for pre-eclampsia is delivery and since you are so very small, we want to keep you in my tummy as long as possible. The nurse gave me the first of two shots of a steroid that would jump start your lungs just in case you were to come early.

Dr. B broke the news to us that I would have to stay overnight. The next shot would need to be done tomorrow, and he wanted to continue to monitor my blood pressure, which would just not drop. My reflexes were on overdrive. (This is the test where they hit your knee and you kick. I was kicking so violently that they had to duck out of the way.) My body is just not co-operating with me anymore.

Your Dad stayed with me all day. Your grandparents also came. So many people love you already, and we all are praying hard that you remain unaffected by my condition.

I have never spent the night in a hospital before. They have given me a private room in the postpartum wing. They will continue to monitor my blood pressure throughout the night. I am scared for you, but we continue to pray to God. He gives me peace through prayer, and we trust Him that you will be alright.

Love Forever,

Your Mom

27 Weeks, 2 Days

Dear Baby Girl,

Today's doctor's appointment provided some much needed relief to me. Because I love you so much, I forcefully swallowed down an entire glass of orange syrup and allowed myself to be pricked and prodded on your behalf. The verdict? I do not have gestational diabetes. I had convinced myself that with the way things were going for our little family, I would definitely have gestational diabetes.

I am telling you this because as you grow and learn, there are things about life and living that I want you to understand. I want to be a good example for you, but as a flawed human being there are times - like this one - where you can learn from my shortcomings. I want you to possess a quality that I fall short on - optimism. Now, I am not saying that I want you to live in a world where in your mind everything is butterflies, rainbows and sunshine. I wish the world would be that easy for you, but life will not always treat you that way. What I do mean is that I want you to be able to see the positive in people and situations.

Today when I heard your heartbeat for the split second the doctor popped in and out of my room, I was more thrilled than I have been in a long time. I have been very afraid for you, you see. Our lives have been turned around and upside down over the last month, and my stress level has been very high. Your precious life inside of me has been the only thing that has sustained me from falling overboard. That has been one of your many gifts to me, and I will always cherish that.

So, you are Normal. I am Normal. We will have our next visit in 4 more weeks. Then I will get to see you again.

In the past few weeks, you have really stepped up your movement. I imagine you in there, working hard at your Tai Chi poses. Your movements are fluid like that. It is the most beautiful feeling that I have ever experienced.

Love Forever.

Your Mom

19 Weeks, 3 Days

Dear Baby Girl,

Today was our recurring 4 week doctor's visit. I did not get to see you this time, but I did get to hear your tiny heartbeat swishing away. I also got to hear some pretty loud kicks. When the doctor would push the monitor into my belly, you would give it a swift kick.

I cannot feel your kicks very much, yet. They still feel like tiny flutters. For the last few weeks it has been difficult to differentiate your kicking from my stomach rumbling!

We have reached a milestone - we are at the halfway point. The doctor says that everything looks good. I am so proud of you for that. I have been really worried since I came down with a pretty rough cold. I prayed hard that you would not be affected by it. I feel sure all my coughing makes you uncomfortable. Luckily, my coughing is beginning to subside now.

Today was the first day that we met this particular doctor - Dr. O. Since you have been doing so well, Dr. F put me on doctor rotation. They do this since any one of the doctors may be in the delivery room. They want to be sure I have met all of them and feel comfortable with all of them.

Dr. O noticed how much of a rash I have gotten around my belly. The itchiness keeps me up at night, but you are worth it. She told me I have to take Benadryl at night, so we will see how that goes. I have tried to avoid any medication that I can so that you will not be affected.

I have been working hard to figure out what I want your room to look like. It is so important that we design something that will make you feel peaceful, yet stimulated. So far, nothing has spoken to me. I always thought I would want you to have an ocean theme or something like that. Now that you are a reality, I cannot decide!

Love Always,

Your Mom

17 weeks, 2 days

Dear Baby Girl,

That's right! We found out today that you are a girl! Your Dad & I did not really have a preference, but we are so excited to learn as much as we can about you! We were not sure that we would be able to find out today. The technician slowly went over all the measurements of your little organs. She saved that moment until last. She told us, "I know what it is, I am just trying to get a better picture!" Of course, as with all the times that I have gotten to see you - I cried.

We got lots of pictures of you today. The one above is my favorite, because it has a clear view of your form. Your little legs were curled up and moving around most of the time. This particular photo shows your hands in prayer position. Your Grandma B will be so proud!

After the appointment was over your Dad & I had to go back to work. I called your Grandpa E - you will love him - and he was so, so excited. I tried and tried to get your Grandma E, and finally left her a voice mail. I finally reached her around lunchtime, and she was bursting with excitement as well. She was already talking about dolls that she had seen earlier that day.

During all of that time, your Dad was having much better luck reaching all your family. When I called your aunt, I found that he had already reached her! She answered the phone with "I am having a niece!"

You will be entering a family full of boys, so I know that everyone will go the extra mile to spoil you!

Since you are a girl, we know your name. If you had been a boy, it would have been much, much harder to figure out.

Our next big task for you is picking out a theme for your room, and all the "stuff" that I am so excited to buy for you.

I am beginning to feel you flutter inside my belly. Each little movement you make thrills me to so end. I am so proud of you - from the moment of your conception and always!

Love Always,

Your Mom

13 Weeks, 2 Days

Dear Unborn Baby,

Wow, you are really growing! Today you measured 6.93 cm, and you are beginning to fill up the womb. Your heart rate is still running strong. Now we can see your eyes, arms and legs. Your growth and development has been completely normal so far, and we are very thankful for that.

Today's appointment was what they refer to as a panel visit. The nurse did the ultrasound, questioned your father & I (mostly me) about family history and then did some bloodwork.

The nurse performed the ultrasound herself, and while the pictures are not as clear as they have been in previous weeks, we got to see you move! You moved your arms and legs quite a bit, and even your whole body once or twice!

I still do not handle bloodwork very well, but I stared at your picture while the nurse did what she needed to do. I barely felt the needle this time.

This week at church, my friends said to me "You're showing!!!" For the first time, people other than your Dad & I have begun to notice my growing belly. I am in maternity pants now, and they are still on the big side. I am continuously having to pull up my pants, and I think you would find that as funny as I do.

We got to tell more family about you this weekend, and we enjoyed that so much. Your grandparents are becoming more and more excited too. They have been very cautious, but now they are beginning to show how happy they are about you.

We are beginning to rearrange things so that we can clear out your room. We still have not decided on a theme, but it will probably be ocean or animals. I want you to have a love and appreciation for living things from an early age.

Today is the first full day of fall, and the leaves are just beginning to turn. I cannot wait for you to be able to see the beautiful colors of nature for yourself!

These weeks are moving so slowly! We cannot wait for March to roll around!

Love always,

Your Mom

9 Weeks, 4 Days

Dear Unborn Baby,

Today was our second opportunity to see you. You looked so peaceful lying there. Today your shape was much more obvious, and we got to see your little stumps of arms and legs. I stared at the monitor screen (and again, got a little teary), completely awed by your subtle movements.

You are now 2.59 cm long. Your heartbeat was amazingly strong, and this time one of the pictures they gave us has the charting of each beat.

The doctor changed your due date to March 29. Before they had given us a date range. Your father still thinks that you will be born on April Fool's Day.

I have gained a whopping 1 pound. I am pleasantly surprised by this, because I thought it would be at least 5 pounds since my belly is expanding enough that my pants are uncomfortable.

We cannot wait to find out if you are a boy or a girl. We still have a few weeks before we can find that out, but it has been fun to speculate. We know what your name will be if you are a girl. If you are a boy - well, let's just say we still have some more discussion on that. It's tradition in your dad's family to have juniors. I don't like this idea, and I believe I have convinced your dad about this now. You'll thank me in your teenage years.

We are still really, really scared. I think this is normal for all first-timers (and maybe even for some several timers), but 7 years of waiting for you makes us paranoid. We try so hard to be careful in everything that we do.

All our family is thrilled and cannot wait to meet you. You are going to be so loved.

Love,

Your Mom

6 Weeks, 4 Days

Dear Unborn Baby,

Today I saw you for the first time. The doctor didn't even have to point you out on the screen. I knew you immediately. This probably has something to do with the fact that I have been studying everything that I can find about you on the internet since we found out about your existence.

I know that this week your nose, mouth and ears are beginning to tape shape. Your organs are still forming. You are about the size of a lentil. Dr. F confirmed that today. We found out you are .35 cm in length.

I have been afraid about your location because of my progesterone levels being border-line low. Today's ultrasound revealed that you are perfectly placed. I almost jumped off the bed when we saw that. I had prepared myself for the worst, and for once in this journey, everything is perfect.

When I saw you, I cried a little. We have waited so long for you, and every precious moment like this makes our battle for you worthwhile. You are still so, so small, but we love you very, very much.

We got to hear your tiny heart beat. It was the most beautiful sound that I have ever heard. Words cannot express the emotion in my heart as I heard that gentle "whoomp, whoomp". We could see the pumping of your heart on the screen, and each movement reminded us of the miracle that you are.

For the last few days, you have been trying to make sure that I know about your existence. I'm queasy a lot now, and very, very tired. But I promise you that I will do my best to make your journey to life the best it can possibly be.

It's still very early on, and we could still lose you, but today's results significantly increased our hopes. You will always mean the world to me no matter what happens.

Love,

Your Mom