Under Pressure

Today my milk came in.

All throughout my pregnancy, I had planned on breastfeeding my baby. I did the research, and I determined that was the best decision for both of us.

The hospital is all about breast feeding these days. As soon as I got home yesterday, I received a phone call from the other NICU doctor. He wanted me to sign a release that would let the hospital feed my baby with donor milk. Don't get me wrong. I do not have a problem with donor milk. I think it is wonderful in most cases. But, could you give me a chance first? Is it too much to ask? My baby came 8 weeks early and not by her choice. I think my body needs a minute to catch up!

J does not understand the pumping pressure. He thinks if I become a pumping nazi that I will automatically produce loads and loads of milk.

What he does not understand is this - pumping is hard. My body is physically exhausted and uncooperative. I have really struggled with this over the last few days. I missed the class on how this is supposed to work. Even then, I doubt seriously they cover what you are supposed to do when your baby is too little to attempt to feed outside the incubator for any significant amount of time. According to the lactation nurse, babies do not really even learn to suck for another couple of weeks - at week 34 to 36.

Anyway, today my hard work paid off and I produced enough milk to feed Grace. The NICU nurse jokingly told me that I had been visited by the milk fairy.

The milk fairy may have come last night, but she certainly did not get chase away her older and meaner sister - the hormone fairy.

I am really struggling with having not having Grace home. I spend the entire day at the hospital. Everyone else around me is all over my nerves. Since I am so physically weak, I am bombarded throughout the day with people telling me what to do. I keep telling several of these people in particular to just let me do my thing, and I will catch up.

Example? J is trying to be helpful in nagging me to call about adding Grace to my insurance. I cannot get in and out of bed without doubling forward in pain, but yet it is suddenly imperative that I call the insurance company and be on hold for 6 hours? I think they can wait a couple of days. But, J and the rest of the helpful group of people around me disagree. And they win.

I can already tell that my recovery is going to be very slow. And I know people are trying to help. A part of me appreciates their intent. But I need time, and no one wants to give it.

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