A Gushing Mess

I have a rare talent for being an exceptional patient. By exceptional, I do not mean a co-operative and easy going patient. I mean one of the people that things happen to that do not (or rarely) happen to everyone else.

Today, I had my finger pricked to test for sugar. Simple right? People do that every day. Poor diabetics - my heart goes out to you - do that multiple times a day.

So after waiting and waiting and waiting, I had my finger pricked.

The nurse hit Old Faithful. Blood spewed like a fountain from the tiny prick. Blood got all over the counter. All over the nurse. All over me. From a finger prick.

The nurse performed a mini-tourniquet. "I have never, ever had that happen before," she exclaimed. Of course she hasn't. I am just talented like that.

Several hours after I left the doctor's office, I removed the band-aid from my swollen finger (since she had to wrap it so tightly) to find that it was still bleeding. The fountain had stopped, but it was a small drip, drip, drip.

Before I left the doctor, the nurse took me by the arm gently. "Don't cut yourself."

Well, I will definitely try not to.

27 Weeks, 2 Days

Dear Baby Girl,

Today's doctor's appointment provided some much needed relief to me. Because I love you so much, I forcefully swallowed down an entire glass of orange syrup and allowed myself to be pricked and prodded on your behalf. The verdict? I do not have gestational diabetes. I had convinced myself that with the way things were going for our little family, I would definitely have gestational diabetes.

I am telling you this because as you grow and learn, there are things about life and living that I want you to understand. I want to be a good example for you, but as a flawed human being there are times - like this one - where you can learn from my shortcomings. I want you to possess a quality that I fall short on - optimism. Now, I am not saying that I want you to live in a world where in your mind everything is butterflies, rainbows and sunshine. I wish the world would be that easy for you, but life will not always treat you that way. What I do mean is that I want you to be able to see the positive in people and situations.

Today when I heard your heartbeat for the split second the doctor popped in and out of my room, I was more thrilled than I have been in a long time. I have been very afraid for you, you see. Our lives have been turned around and upside down over the last month, and my stress level has been very high. Your precious life inside of me has been the only thing that has sustained me from falling overboard. That has been one of your many gifts to me, and I will always cherish that.

So, you are Normal. I am Normal. We will have our next visit in 4 more weeks. Then I will get to see you again.

In the past few weeks, you have really stepped up your movement. I imagine you in there, working hard at your Tai Chi poses. Your movements are fluid like that. It is the most beautiful feeling that I have ever experienced.

Love Forever.

Your Mom


Back to the Blues

After a brief Christmas high, yesterday I returned to the blues. I had a pretty bad headache, so I am sure that had a lot to do with it.

The rest of it was due to the Company screwing me over again. I did not get paid for any of my two weeks of vacation that I had remaining. They promised me this. I did not get any severance because they "cannot afford it." The vacation was the least they could do. I am not sure what legal actions (if any) that I can take, but just thinking about it completely stresses me out.

I was told that they were currently working out with their lawyers what they can do, and they would let me know. I guess I will have to pester them for the next few weeks.

Next week, I have to go to the employment office to figure out why I am not yet receiving my unemployment. Wow, this month really sucks.


Christmas Rock Band

Last night, for the first time it felt like Christmas. Seeing my family is always important to me, but they have a way of cheering me that no one else can. I really needed that this week.

At our dinner conversation, I laughed so hard that I cried a little . Are you familiar with the ugly laugh? The one that completely distorts your face, but you are rendered completely powerless to stop it? The one where you try your best to squelch your laughter, but hideous noises come out anyway?

We all found ourselves in that state as we sat around sharing various comedic instances that happened through the years. For example, my grandparents used to have a large collie named Ace. Ace had a very special relationship with my cousin Anthony. That dog would chase Anthony around the yard, trying to hump not just his leg - but his entire body. Anthony still has nightmares about that dog. I can still see it as if it were yesterday - Anthony running for his life while that dog stayed close behind ready to pounce. We were all laughing hysterically at this memory - except for Anthony.

After dinner, I sang my troubles away with a family game of Rock Band. I sang songs that I knew and songs that I didn't. J must think my family is insane sometimes.

Finally, it came time to leave. I found myself stuck on the sofa. I was sitting on the middle cushion, and the cushion was sunk in at the back. I found it was physically impossible for me to get up. I sat there stuck for several minutes before J realized what was taking me so long! I have a feeling that this is just the beginning of being stuck. I still have around three months to go!


One More Strike

I know, I know...I have really been a downer lately.

Yet another thing today to add to my current plate of worries...Our little Shih Tzu, Max, was diagnosed with IVDD. We noticed yesterday that he was acting like he did not feel very good. We thought it was something he may have eaten (little dogs and their weak stomachs). When he did not feel any better today, I took him to see my brother-in-law, The Vet.

It turned out to be a serious problem. During the explanation, I had to sit down. IVDD is a disc disease which can lead to paralysis. We have to put Max on a steroid, pain killer and stomach meds. If this medicine does not work, then he will have to have an extremely expensive surgery done by a specialist. You might imagine that with my recent job loss, hearing that was a harsh blow. I may not be able to afford the surgery that my precious little Max may have to have.

We have to monitor Max for the next six weeks and trying to prevent him from going up and down stairs, jumping, etc. We are trying to stay optimistic that the medicine will work.


Jobless Week One

The day after I was "let go", I had to go in to the office and turn in equipment that I had at home. None of the management was on site, so it was a pretty low-pressure visit. I said goodbye to co-workers I had not seen the day before, retreated out the door. I proceeded to cry my eyes out all the way home.

The rest of the week I spent scouring job sites, posting my resume to countless places and even had a job interview for a job that I do not want. On the bright side, I have gotten to go visit my grandmother, who is not doing very well, and spend some time with family. I went down with J for an overnight business trip and spent the day with my lovely highly-dramatic cousin, whose constant antics at least made me laugh. A little.

I realize that the title of my previous post could be taken literally to mean that I was fired because of something I wrote. I used the title only to pay homage to the great Dooce, who was started her highly successful blog after being fired. The reality of my own situation is much less glamorous. My company got bought out and my position was one of the 50% jobs that were cut with no prior warning. That leaves myself, and almost my entire department out of work.

The management team assured me that it was nothing personal, and that it was in no way a reflection of my job performance. Still, I really feel I got screwed. I cannot think of another way to describe it.

There were several staff kept on that fall under the classic "slacker" stereotype. Several of us that worked really hard were let go. It just goes to prove something that I have known all along. Life isn't fair and the good guys don't always win.

I get no severance package - supposedly the "old" company is broke and cannot afford it. I would love to be able to say that I saw this coming, but I honestly didn't. The Company did a good job of covering their true financial status. However, they will cover my insurance to the end of the month, and they will pay out my two remaining weeks of vacation. Merry Christmas.

So, I have no idea how long my little pity party will last. I have never lost a job before, and I have no idea how to handle it. This is a terrible time for me to have to find a new job. I am at 24, almost 25 weeks, and there is absolutely no hiding my belly. I know there are laws against pregnancy discrimination, but in my field, a management team cannot help but take into account an upcoming extended absence.

I could blame the hormones, but I feel myself falling into a depression that I cannot seem to shake off. Right now I am clinging to J and the baby, while crying out to God to help me out. I do appreciate all the prayers and words of encouragement that you, my faithful internet friends, have shared with me. Your support means a lot.



And just like that - at 24 weeks pregnant - I lost my job.

I am stunned and devastated at the moment. I will write more after allowing myself some time to recover.


The Maybe Bedding Set

After weeks of scouring through thousands of crib bedding sets, I have finally picked one. Maybe.

I have mentioned my dilemma in passing here, but to expand a little: I want a bedding set that does not completely swallow my daughter in pink.

Honestly, I had given up, and I was in the process of piecing the nursery bedding together item by item.

Then, my good (wonderful) friend told me about the website of the manufacturer of her daughter's bedset. I went to the website and low and behold:

Lilac Garden, by Kids Line

So, I do not intend to get all the pieces, mostly just the bedding. I don't want to swallow the baby in purple either!


Summer Memories

This is Monkey T. Sigh. I miss the beach.


Welcome to December, Here is Your Virus

My exhaustion reached its fruition last night. Now I have a stomach virus. I am convinced that my weakened state allowed this to happen.

I hoped I would be better today, so I continued to work as normal. But, it's lunch time and I still feel lousy. So after a panicky call to the doctor to make sure this thing will not affect the baby, I am going home to rest.