I alluded to this in previous posts, but for the last 6 1/2 years J & I have tried to conceive a baby.
Infertility can really mess with your mind. It seems as the whole world, and even your own body is working against you. You see all of your friends having kids and instead of being happy for them, all you can think about is your own loss. Those closest to you avoid telling you that they are expecting because they don't want to rub it in.
You see teenage girls, movie stars and careless adults having children left and right with seemingly no obstacles, and not even pausing to understand the miracle that they have been blessed with. You begin to wonder why drug addicts and people on welfare can reproduce so efficiently, and why there are so many unwanted children.
Abortion, abandonment and the parents yelling at their children at the grocery store leave you filled with unexplicable anger.
You begin to hate Mother's Day and Father's Day, and hate your local shopping centers for cramming those days down your throat.
You being to fill so overwhelmed with a roller coaster of emotions - anger, frustration, depression, anxiety - that you can no longer see what is straight in front of you.
Today I sat in a church pew and held back tears for 45 minutes. The message was on parenting. Next Sunday there will be a service honoring all the Mothers. I will not be attending. I cannot bear another year of this.
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4 comments:
Reading this AFTER seeing the picture of your wee lass makes me really, really happy for you.
Thank you for such a raw post about your experience with infertility.
Our Church always does a special prayer for infertile women or those who have lost babies. I had 5 ectopic pregnancies, and I am always so grateful for that.
Thank you for sharing your pain.
(((Hugs)))
Yup, I totally understand this post.
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